Episode Archive: Sports Retorts with Hooli and The Joe

MB and the boys are back in town for a "Season 2" premiere that will catch you up on every single thing that happened in sports since episode 40. Once that's out of the way, things get frightening[ly fun and informative] as Hooli goes Trick-or-Treating across the NBA, The Joe unmasks a horror film villain for each NFL franchise, and MB describes the costumes some Astros and Dodgers will be donning during the series. It's all scarier than your battered fantasy football lineup!

Hooli, The Joe, and MBS took a Guaranteed Rate Field trip to record an episode live at a Chicago White Sox vs. Houston Astros game. They talk the good, bad, and ugly news in the NBA (and WNBA), cut loose on Cutler to the Phins, and unpack the MLB trade deadline for the two teams in their presence and beyond. Spoilers for Wednesday August 9th's Sox/Stros game. 

Hooli has said for years that the NBA is always fixed.  Does he have proof this time?  MB breaks down the MLB season a quarter of the way through, and The Joe Browns-noses the NFL Draft.  All that and an Instagram post!

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Does length matter?  MB and The Joe go head-to-head on whether the baseball season is too long (no surprises on who falls where).  We then take a bird's-eye view of the Flat Earth Society, and finish it out with a new 2 Minute Drill.

It's MB's favorite time of year again: players have started heading to AZ and FL for spring training. She drops everything you need to know about pitchers and catchers around the league for the upcoming season*, and the boys totally help. Hooli talks about the NBA trade deadline. The Joe thinks the earth is flat** #Kyrie.

*Except the horrible David Price news that dropped post-recording.
**He doesnt, but if he cared about Kyrie he would.​

After an extended winter break we are back! The gents slam the fans for denying Westbrook a starting spot in the NBA All-Star game, provide 3/4ths of a Super Bowl preview (considering how much Brady played this season), and finally answer the question... is Rodgers a top 3 QB of all time!?!?  All that and a very timely Ronda Rousey joke!

As the temperature gets colder, the baseball stove is heating up! MB shares her take of what's happening around the league, and the boys try their best to follow along (bless their hearts).  The Joe and Hooli paint us a by-the-numbers look at the college football playoff picture!

This week Hooli and The Joe go long on how the NFL has it out for female fans and employees as MBS peppers in a lady's perspective. But don't worry, some World Cup of Hockey jokes and The Joe's ode to Josh Gordon will cool things off.

Hooli and The Joe are in the studio, joined by MB live in the field for an MLB update.  Meanwhile, did you know that there's a controversy about players kneeling during the national anthem?  No?  Neither did we!  It's surprising that literally nobody is talking about this all the time.  Guess that means it's our turn!

This episode we tackle college football's first week back. Then the boys hold a draft of their favorite college mascots. Spoiler Alert: some are of an "adult" nature. All that and the Eastern Michigan University fight song!... It's the ONLY way Hooli could ever get EMU on the show. Enjoy!​

This week the boys head back into the Sports Retorts Sports Court with the honorable Judge MB presiding. The trial at hand: whether or not Ryan Lochte is a super douche.  After the courtroom, the boys break down the impending NFL season division by division, comparing each one to an Olympic event as one last, "See ya never!" to Rio.

This week MB and Hooli are left to their own devices while The Joe is Mainely on vacation. Without him they're just spinning their wheels... wheels filled with an array of problems in Rio that is. MB also drops some knowledge on the biggest MLB trades. All that and some sick A-Rod burns, which he will be nursing at home for the rest of the season.

This week we bring in a special guest to weigh in on an age old Sports Retorts debate: which sport is the best? Daniel, who created our Instagram account after hearing weeks of our pleas, comes on to judge our arguments as to why our favorite is the best. The Joe fights for football, Hooli takes on basketball, and MB goes to bat for baseball. This episode will once and for all decree which sport is best (according to an unbiased third party weighing in on our arguments)!!!! Spoiler alert: It's not Pogs!​

Halfway through the baseball season, Mary Beth has some thoughts about where things stand and where they might land.  The Joe renames the Cleveland MLB team; and Hooli shares with us who's, "making that Mozgov money."  All that, plus more Poké-jokes than you can handle!  #GottaTellThemAll

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The boys get into a wrap-up of the NBA season as The Joe may have a thing or two to say about his Cleeeeevelannndd CAVALIERS!  Also, Believeland it or not, there's some soccer talk, and MB tells the guys all about a Freaky Friday in the MLB. All that PLUS a Wimbledon joke!?

The boys welcome Chicago comedian Rob Grabowski to talk about NHL and NBA finals. What is Rob, some kind of sports fan?  No!!  But that doesn't hinder the retorts one bit.  If that's not enough for you, we have a couple of US Men's Basketball jokes! Even Mike Hunt's brother, Mark, gets a shout-out!

The 2016 Summer Olympics are almost upon us, and that can mean only one thing: A POTENTIAL GLOBAL EMERGENCY! Can the looming threat of the Zika virus derail the summer games? No? How about widespread violence and corruption of the highest level? Still no? Then ya better bring bug spray!

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Just like all of the other talking heads, the boys are handing out NFL Draft grades!  The accuracy and precision with which they dissect all 32 teams is unrivaled in the sports world.  Also, Hooli and The Joe break down every second round matchup in the NBA playoffs in under a minute a piece.  If that's still not enough, can we interest you in a Dee Gordon joke?

They guys are without MB this week, so they brought in Sam Roos to help make some sense of New England QB Tom Brady's most recent suspension.  Joe, for some reason, is on Brady's side.  Hooli still has his wits about him.  All that, a complete Round 1 NFL Draft recap, and just what everybody asked for - a JaMarcus Russell update!

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We look at the (new) teams picking at 11 through 20 in the upcoming NFL Draft, get an update on the first round of the NBA Playoffs, and examine a souvenir from Kobe's last game.  Spoiler: it's full of hot air.

The boys dissect the top 10 picks in this year's upcoming NFL draft.  Shocker: The Joe has some strong feelings about the Browns.  Hooli kind of couldn't care less, as his Fins have traded out of the top 10.  MB also tightens her belt... something that apparently Pablo Sandoval can no longer do.

Did you know that the US Men's National Soccer team gets paid a lot more to play worse than the Women's team?  We learned that, and -- surprise -- we don't like it.  MB and Hooli have the studios to themselves this week, so they take some pot shots at The Joe and play a little game of "Who Said It: Politician or Athlete?"  All that, and Swaggy P's cheating ass.

This week's headline: The Joe went to the NFL Combine! He'll tell us all about which quarterbacks looked good, who fell flat, and why he enjoyed seeing blameless young men fail in their chosen tasks.  ALSO: The boys go back and forth on which NCAA bubble teams will make the big dance, and thanks to the 40-yard dash of a defensive player from Mississippi State, we coin a new phrase: DCO (dick came out)!

And now, a very special episode of Sports Retorts.  Prompted by the recent lawsuit brought against the University of Tennessee by six former female students, we take a look at some of the big cases brought against colleges in recent years regarding an enviroment that enables rape and sexual assault.  We also have some jokes, if you're into that kind of thing.

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The bases are loaded - and so are we!  We hit our pre-pre-season MLB preview, picking our favorites to win each division.  We also talk about the lifetime ban handed to former Mets reliever Jenrry Meija, and we discuss all of the events of the NBA All-Star weekend!

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The boys made some prop bets during last week's episode regarding Super Bowl 50; this week, they pay up.  We'll break down the big game (for those of you that fell asleep during), and talk about this week's headlines: Derek Fisher fired in New York, Jimmy Butler does his best Derrick Rose impersonation, and why white people are afraid of Queen Bey!

All things all-star!  We discuss the recent NHL All-Star games (you're welcome, John Scott!), the upcoming NBA All-Star break, and how to fix the NFL's Pro Bowl.  We also break down next week's Super Bowl match-up between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos, and conduct this season's penultimate edition of ♫Peyton's Recap of the Week♫!

This week's headline: Kathryn Smith becomes the first full-time assistant coach in NFL history!  Or should we say... herstory?  Also: we break down the NFC and AFC Championship games, discuss the Cavaliers' abrupt coaching change, and Hooli and the Joe get into their first argument!  Not to mention a special, second appearance from Robo Jackson...

This week we break down the hijinks of the NFL Wild Card round, the "unexpected" outcome of the NCAA National Championship game, Brian Urlacher's new mop-top, and whether legally adult human beings should be allowed to be paid for their physical accomplishments even if they happen to be currently attending a university.  Spoiler alert: obviously they should.

You want sports talk?  We got sports talk!  This first episode of Sports Retorts covers recent topics in football, basketball and, yes, even baseball.  We talk about the Bulls' resurgence, NFL coaching changes, the continuing debate surrounding the name of the DC football team, and what the hell is Johnny Manziel doing!?!